1. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
“And why are children born to such men as you?” –Anna Pavlona
I say this to my dad whenever he tells me something I don’t like to hear, like “Hey, stop putting non-food items in your mouth” or whatever.
2. The Waste Land and Other Poems by T. S. Eliot
“This is the dead land / This is cactus land”
I quoted this T.S. Eliot poem when my parents moved me from the lush, rolling hills of Iowa all the way down to New Mexico, a dry and desolate…dare I say it: wasteland.
3. The Bible
“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3
In other words, I’m heavenly.
4. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
“O bliss! O poop-poop! O my! O my!” –Toad
For some reason, poop always makes me laugh. I just love scatological humor.
5. Walden by Henry David Thoreau
“Better if they had been born in the open pasture and suckled by a wolf…”
Probably my favorite insult ever. I use it in the nursery or when I see a bratty kid in the supermercado.
Lucas Shepherd is a first-year MFA Fiction student at the University of New Mexico.